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I've
been there, the non-alcoholic, in two of my previous marriages and
spent 8 years not dating, not in any relationships re-finding that person
that had been diminished to a person with no value at all. It took time to
rebuild my self-esteem to be the person I still knew was deep within
there. Somewhere deep inside was that independent, vital, personable,
loving, caring person I started out as. I had been in a good marriage, but
lost him in death. I stepped into the path of an alcoholic because I lost
my sense of self when I buried my husband in that grave. A part of me went
with him and I moved too quickly to find a Father for his children. I
chose the worst possible person. I went from someone who would have been a
loving, guiding person for his children, to a man who had to be in
complete control, who belittled all around him to have any sense of his
own self-worth. I took myself and my children down a tragic road.
I
am in a totally different place in my life now. I had to find myself, that
deep special being so trampled on by, not one bad marriage, but two. Then
I had to forgive myself for taking my children through that pain as well.
I watched two of them become alcoholics themselves. I also have seen one
of them go through recovery and remain clean and sober for many years now,
and mainly find the person deep within herself. I lost my son to suicide,
where alcohol and drugs had a very strong bearing upon what transpired. I
had to forgive myself for many things surrounding his life. My own poor
choices exposed him to his own lack of self-esteem. Walking on eggshells,
being battered emotionally daily, does not build strong character. It
creates a need, deep within, of constant seeking of reaffirmation of your
very being.
I
am now the person I had always known I could be. I am strong, and have
value within myself and to my children, my grandchildren, others I can
help. I gather strength from my faith first, my talents I have been given
to share with others, my words given to share with others, when least
expected. I keep in mind that we never know the impact we may have had on
another. I try to give that smile, kind word, supportive nod, helping
hand, whenever I have any opportunity to do so. I hope to share strength
and love daily in my life. I come from an entirely different place today.
I like the person I am. I have found comfort in being the person I am
today. I have many roads ahead to follow, but I plan to take this person
down those roads. I see sunny skies and lots of flowers to smell along the
way.
Â
--Trish
Barron (Ongoing Empowered Recovery 2006)
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