Empowered Recovery--Candidly Helping the Family and friends of Alcoholics Recognize, Understand, and Resolve an Alcoholic Relationship

    •  www.EmpoweredRecovery.com •  www.NonAlcoholic.org 




Robin's Realm


Looking Back


I stayed up late
I wrote and wrote
So many words flowed
But I forgot so many
So again here I go
A few words from my heart
To help you with your new start

I realized as I reread what I wrote late one night that hey I am finally getting it! A moment that all us who have made it… who have made the right choice... the moment that we can say I am done! I am done taking care of you, the alcoholic.

Funny, I thought I was such a great communicator! I shared my honest feelings all the time with the alcoholic. I told him I loved him. I did everything I could for him. My life focused on him! and only him! Are our lives not chaotic enough without having to take care of someone else? I do not miss the days of packing up on the week-end and hurrying off to the hill. For what, I ask myself? Oh yes I had great times. I enjoyed the walks, going out dancing, romantic times in front of the fireplace. But what about those moments where he was drunk. Funny is it not, when an alcoholic is drunk is the only time they can say I love you? Does that make sense? Oh did you ever have those long conversations with a drunk and kept sharing and asking questions in hopes you would hear what you wanted to hear? As one friend said in the group, talking to an alcoholic is like talking to the bottle sitting in front of them! This is so true! They only communicate in their own special way. They blame you! They blame you for everything! Do not sit back and take the blame! Avoid conversations with a drunk! 

They don't remember what they told you anyway! They have blackouts. I always thought a blackout was when someone passed out! Wrong! A blackout is where they just phase out and don't even realize what they have said and what they did! Scary thought! and did you know that a person who is an alcoholic can have blackouts even when they had not been drinking? Their body is so taken over by the booze abusing the system that it starts to affect their memory, etc.

Ever smelled an alcoholic? What do you mean? you ask. How about when they go to kiss you and you could be blown away by 100 feet by the smell of their breath! Worse yet, ever go to cuddle up in bed and smell a weird smell? I had thought the dog must have been on the bed. Wrong! When someone drinks so much, the alcohol has nowhere to go except out of the pores of their body! 

Ever have plans of going somewhere special and get all dressed up and ready to go and then bam! The alcoholic had gotten drunk that day or evening and is in no shape to go anywhere especially out for that special night. You have got to follow through with your activities and plans. Do not allow them to ruin your good times in life. As you seek to live your life and get healthier do those special things for you. The heck with him/her. Let them sit home alone. 

Ever just been at home for a day and all of a sudden the alcoholic goes through a fit of rage for no reason? The littlest thing sets them off such as a sippie glass falling out of the fridge and next thing you know they are kicking the heck out of the refrigerator? Do not allow yourself to be in these situations with anyone. Once you see the signs you cannot deny any of them. Keep yourself safe! Get up and leave. Do not sit through or take any abuse. 

Gosh I could write a few pages on being a detective. Now really unless your true occupation is to be a Private Investigator, why waste your time doing some crazy things. Ever checked the caller ID, counted the condoms to see if any were used since the last time you were with your partner? Ever searched the history on the computer to see what they had been looking at? Ever counted the bottles to see how many they drank that day--better yet--searched for the hidden ones? Come on now! It is crazy. They drive us crazy. Then they tell us we are the nutsy ones! They and their behaviors drive us to this point. Again this is not healthy for us. In an honest relationship you would not need to do any of the crazy investigating. If you find yourself doing any of this, do yourself a favor when you find what you are looking for, take the evidence and do what you must do get the heck out! Do not ignore it and let any excuse do! Better yet, do not allow yourself to live a life of a detective! 

Oh true intimacy... what we all long for in our life. To be held, to be loved to be safe. I struggled through this one. How many nights have you gone to bed hoping for a great intimate night only to be disappointed because your partner could not perform. He/she was passed out within seconds of hitting the bed. You laid their with all your love and sexual frustrations dying to get out. Or you hear the excuses.. oh honey I am just so tired tonight things just aren't working due to my stress and tiredness. Cut me a break. Take a look at your sexual health with your partner. Yes there are good reasons in life that some may need to have that helper pill. But in an alcoholic relationship, the sexual dysfunctions are due to the alcohol and nothing else. But then again, being who we are, we think something is wrong with us! Stop! It is not us! We are the healthy ones! They are the ones with the issue. 

One of the biggest lessons to learn and to understand is to realize that you are truly in love with who you think they can be.. you are not in love with who they truly are. As Doug wrote the article What Is, Is... is so true! We view them as we think they should be, not who they really are. You need to take a good long hard look at What Is, Is... It is all in black and white and we continue to wanting to live that big picture of life that we so painted for ourselves and our life with them.

The healthiest picture you can paint is a picture of you. Pick up that paintbrush of life and start taking one stroke at a time. Create a masterpiece of a lifetime. It is called the "Masterpiece of me". It is out there. It is waiting to be created. As you begin this beautiful creation you will fall in love with it. You will fall in love with you. You will begin to protect and nurture it. You will not allow anyone to destroy it. No one can destroy our life. We will not allow it… and as life continues each day, the light will shine and you will see…. A masterpiece that is Priceless!

--Robin Walters, September 30, 2005


© Copyright 2005 by Robin Walters. All Rights Reserved. 

Robin Walters is an alcoholic relationship survivor and writer in New York state. Robin still longs to be a school teacher, but now satisfies that longing by sharing her life experiences in the hope that her lessons will lighten the load for others. She may be contacted at robin@empoweredrecovery.com. Read more of her writings at www.EmpoweredRecovery.com/robin .




NOTICE: Empowered Recovery is not intended to replace prudent professional therapy.

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