is late at night
And I must write
To share with all
What has happened
What I have learned
In hopes they too can see
What struggles reality can be
is such a clear crisp cold fall evening. I look to the sky and I see the
stars shining brightly. It is such a wonderful sight. Such a peaceful
evening. Who would ever have thought there could be such peace.
You see I am a survivor of an alcoholic relationship. I was a nonalcoholic
in an alcoholic relationship. Notice I said was.. That is an important
word for a survivor. It is not an easy word to get beyond.
I lived a life of fantasy and denial. Ever been there done that? When you
thought man I am in a great relationship. I have found the person of my
dreams! Whoo hoo what a feeling! The great times, the great fun, the
romance, the sharing of all, but wait what is that in the background there
you are hiding? Hmm.. some issues, some problems? overlooking unhealthy
behaviors?? Let's see.. so your love of your life showed up late for a
date, maybe even did not show at all, oh they were suppose to call but
never did? better yet they are out with someone else, called you names,
really bad names, used you for your money, took all they could get from
you emotionally and physically, etc. but yet you overlooked it because you
"loved" them and they loved you. Then your whoo hoo has
turned into Whoaaaaaaaa my world is starting to crash. This person that I
loved is being very manipulating, controlling, only cares about
Some light bulb goes off in your head and you see there is something
seriously wrong here, I need help, what is wrong with me you ask yourself.
Can you imagine someone telling you... hey you have an addiction...
this alcoholic in your life is your drug addiction. Yikes, me with an
addiction? I only thought druggies and alkies had those! Great now what? I
then learn that I can deal with the pain now, or die from the pain later.
Emotional addiction is a tough one to get over. When your life gets out of
control, some may seek help and that is what I did. I joined Empowered
What a journey it has been. The emotional rollercoaster and ups and downs
of life. I sought help online. I got the following email back:
Robin, thanks for writing. Everything on ER is valid and up to date.
I recommend reading everything I've written, which is contained in
the free eBook. I also recommend joining my online Yahoo group [no
Just a couple of thoughts... You don't want to be lonely, but you already
are, aren't you? Only when you can become complete within yourself,
will you find your soul mate. You need to find yourself, and then
you will not be so concerned with loneliness, because then, you
will be enough. Even now, you are enough.
Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist to help you organize
your thoughts and arrive at some healthy conclusions? I would
recommend it. It has helped me in the past, as well as my son.
I have found that if I want my outside world to change, I must first change
my inside world. This would be a good thought to ponder deeply.
Again, please read what I've written on the website, join the group, and
we'll go from there.
I wish you all my best,
Founder of Empowered Recovery
Well ok so I thought here goes. I joined the Yahoo group (no longer
available) and read every article on this site.
I claimed my life back. I stopped the communication. I stopped the email
battles. Was it easy? heck no! I had to give up my addiction, my enabling,
my co-dependency ways. I had to end the relationship with the alcoholic.
Who wants to give up what we have known as our comfort.
But let me tell you, it is all so worth it. What I thought was great,
comforting was destroying my life. Here's a few hints:
Don't call, Don't email-
Do whatever you can to avoid
communication. Call a friend, get on the group sight post, post, post.
Journal your feelings- Amazing
to do this. When you look back, you won't believe what you have written.
Days fly by and it is a great reminder to see how far you have come in
your progress and also a great reminder why you would never want to go
back to an alcoholic relationship
Do something for you- Take
a bubble bath, do your nails, (guys get one of those projects done around
the house- go for a walk, read your favorite book, volunteer your time to
friends, community functions.
We all say we are so lonely. Ever been in a relationship and felt lonely?
Would you rather not be alone and be at peace, then be in a relationship
and have that awful lonely feeling? I would. Oh I would cry at night, many
a night, many a day. It is ok to cry. We all need to get our frustrations
out. I feel it is healthy to cry.
Whatever you do don't become a couch potato! Don't let all the negativity
they put in our heads get to you and bring you down into deep depression.
It is not worth it!
Don't feed your emotions- Feel
every one of them. They are great reminders of why we are where we are. If
you feed them with food, you are just feeding more negativity into
Learn to like to be alone with yourself. Take
quiet time for you. It is amazing when you start to do this, you will
learn a lot about yourself.
Anger did you say???????????? Hmmmmmmmm..
ok that is a big one! I bet if some of those angry days, I could go to a
local shooting range, I would hit a bulls eye every time! You need to
learn how to deal with your anger. Yes they hurt us, they made us feel
like junk! They put all the blame on us. Guess what folks! It is not our
fault! We are the victims in this cycle.
But I am a failure! Gosh
how many times in my life have I said that! Again, my whole life is not a
failure. I made a choice back then to be in this relationship. Today is a
new day and I can move forward with making healthier choices. Make a list
of positive things in your life. When you put it on paper, it is so much
clearer to see... hey I am ok. I have done so many things right in my
Give yourself positive affirmations- Look
in the mirror every day and tell yourself you love who you see looking
back. Tell yourself you are a great person because you truly are! But you
have been led to believe you are not worthy of anything.
Most importantly take care of yourself and your
family. Spend time with those you love. The ones who truly care about you.
The ones who never ever give up on you.
For me it was healthy to work on my spiritual being as well. Some of us
may a higher power, a God, a Universe we look up to for guidance. Whatever
it may be, take the time to get back in touch with it.
So as we take the time to heal from the pain, you get this feeling , hey I
am a great person someone will love me, I think I am ready to find that
someone… Whoaa again horsie... stop and look what you just went through.
You just ended it two months ago and you want to date again????????? Have
you really learned about yourself. I say.. well like man, it was so great
that this new person called me twice a day! emailed me! cooked dinner for
me! did activities together, told me how beautiful I am! Darn! this is
looking good!!!!!!! But wait then the flashbacks start.. and you start
looking at this person thinking is that a red flag, is that a red flag
what about this? what about that? I began to question myself. So I posed a
question to the group and the great response was:
As always, it's good to hear of your progress. You are 100% right... you
need to get the focus back on yourself.
To answer your questions, no it is not normal to think about driving past
this man's house to see if he is there. It is not healthy to be thinking
many of the thoughts that are going through your head as you spend time
with him. I think I know why you're thinking them.
It is too soon for you to be starting another relationship. You have NOT
had enough time to recover mentally and emotionally from an abusive
relationship. Of COURSE you're paranoid and suspicious... did your
ex not teach you to be that way? When you have allowed enough time
to pass for more positive self growth and healing to occur, you
will once again have confidence in your radar and intuition. You
can be "alert" to warning signs without looking for them
in innocent things. You will recognize unhealthy behaviors
immediately without losing all trust of other people. Remember, you will
never be able to have a truly healthy relationship with someone unless
you have learned to trust again. Trust takes time, and needs to be
earned. It's that simple.
I read what you replied to M, and I have to respectfully disagree.
I believe you DO need at least a year without beginning any
romantic relationships to truly focus on yourself and heal. I do not
believe this is setting yourself up for disappointment OR failure.
We all know the difference between romantic relationships
and friendships. What is to stop you from having male and female friends?
Nothing. As a matter of fact, if you are friends with a man first (
and he clearly knows this is only a friendship) you will see the
true person. He will not be trying to impress you or win you over.
Robin, in your case, that would mean no exclusive outings with your
male friend, at least not initially. The reason you are feeling so
confused and paranoid is your subconscious is trying to tell you it's
NOT ready for another relationship! Let this gentleman know you
are only interested in friendship. His reaction will tell you a lot.
Go out with other people too, female friends or in groups. Your new friend
can be included in these group activities without getting the wrong
idea, can't he? If you're honest with yourself and others, you will
learn to trust again. It takes time. You need to give yourself that
Remember, we are creatures of habit. There is a part of you that CRAVES
having someone to obsess over. It will remove your attention from
yourself. If you recognize this tendency in yourself, the battle is
over. You WILL win it. You have already shown yourself (and
everyone here) what a strong woman you are. Keep up the good work.
Keep your focus on yourself... and every other aspect of your life
will align itself with the healthy Robin.
Take care, Tracy Kelley
you know when Tracy posts, it is going to be a great one and right on the
money! and on the money it was!
There was no way I was ready for a relationship. It takes time to heal. It
takes time to focus on me. It takes time to get over my addiction to the
alcoholic. Is it impossible? No! With time all things are possible! and
the key is KEEP FOCUS ON YOURSELF!
When you start taking the focus off of you and then focus on them, you
will be lost. You never will find sanity and clarity! But if you reverse
it and start focusing on you.. you will be amazed at what you find.
I used every excuse in the book to deny all that was happening in my life.
Do I have it all together now? No. I am much more healthier now? YES! He
is gone, the pain is gone. Oh those feelings I get now-they are healthy
pains.. they are my own growing pains! Growing more and more healthier
every day. There are so many little tips and hints I could share but I
shall leave you with this one thought!
in the mirror
What do you see?
A person smiling back?
Or someone lost deep in the sea?
look real hard
It is you
It is you looking back
Your eyes saying
TAKE CARE OF ME!
As I reach for the computer to shut it off, I go
to the window, I
open it, I feel the fresh air, I look up to the sky and see those
stars shining brightly, I give thanks for the peace I now have. When
those clouds of doubt try to take my light away, I say hurry and
blow by fast, for here there are no clouds wanted. Only light and
peace and most of all my own Serenity!